Dear Starbucks,
I wrote you several weeks ago re: coffee pun movie titles, and have yet to hear back. Maybe you get all sorts of letters like that, so I’ll refresh your memory: my letter was the one with all the really good ideas.
I’m not going to waste your time by throwing a bunch of other examples at you, but okay, here’s a few:
- Grande Expectations
- Caffe American-Graffiti-o
- Roasts of Mississippi
- Cream (like Scream)
- Cream 2 and Cream 3
With the economy being what it is, I’m sure you’re hesitant to make new hires (it’s a shame the arts are always the first to go). Maybe you want to hire me, but you need to know a little bit about me first, to see if I’d get along with the other employees, like the cute barista who works weekends (the one with the braces) (I think her name is Katie).
You’re thinking, who is this guy anyway? What are his likes and dislikes? And if he’s so good at coming up with things to put on marquees, why doesn’t he already have some high-paying marquee-writing gig on Wall Street? Maybe you’re afraid I’m just one of those weirdos who’s going to come by and be weird all the time, talking about my personal life and just generally weirding people out with my crazy ideas about health care and 9/11. But you know who else had a lot of weird, crazy ideas? Thomas Jefferson. (Seriously, have you read his book? That guy was a nutbar.)
Anyway, here’s a small bio on me (or should I say “tall” bio?): I am a writer whose work has been published in the New York Times, Entertainment Weekly, and TV Guide letters to the editor pages, and I also have a lot of really good ideas for novels. However, I’m not one of those antisocial writer-types who never leaves the house. I have had two girlfriends!
Perhaps you thought I used up all my juice coming up with the amazing movie titles in the last letter and I now have no juice left to offer. Well, brace yourself, because I’m about to unload a fire hose of juice right into your sweet, supple face:
- The Pumpkin Spice Storm
- Caffe American-Beauty-o
- The Man Who Knew Too Mocha
- Caffe American-Psycho-o
- Caffe American-Gigolo-o
- To Wong Foo, Thanks For All The Coffee! -Julie Newmar
Maybe you think, Oh, sure, he probably spent a long time coming up with those great ideas, but can he really cook up something new in a pinch? You bet your hot buttered croissants I can!
For example: let’s say a movie comes out called Murder on Sexy Boulevard! (By the way, isn’t that a great name for a movie? I’m hooked!) In that case I’d probably do something with the “Sexy” part of the title, like turn it into… six… something, I don’t know, that’s a bad example, but just trust me, I can do it.
Now you’re probably thinking, okay, yeah, this guy’s good, but what if his great movie titles attract the “wrong” kinds of people? Well, if that’s the case, then I’m sorry but I think you need to take a good long look in the mirror.
Anyway, I’m not going to tell you how to do your job. Unless your job is hiring people, in which case: hire me!
I await your response with bated breath. Bated, I tell you! Bated!
Always bating,
