OldeEnglish.org
Aug 25
Dear Starbucks,
I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and I frequent your café there. The Starbucks in Greenpoint is a renovated movie theater, a former darling of the neighborhood. I think that independent, locally-owned businesses are so important and, blah blah blah, anyway, here’s my point: Starbucks, you are sitting on a goldmine.
You have a movie house marquee, but all it says on it is Starbucks. Hello? You should fill it with hilarious fake movie titles that are related to your many fine products! I know what you’re thinking: Who’s going to write all these movie titles? Yes. Who? Who indeed? Who will do it? Who will be the one to do it? Who indeed? Who, I wonder. Spoiler alert: this guy (me).
Here are some of my excellent ideas:
Beauty and the Bean
Last of the Mocha Cinnamons
Of Mice and Mint Frappuccinos
Vaniller’s Crossing
Latte’s Journey Into Night
All the President’s Mint Frappuccinos
Coffee and Cigarettes (minus the cigarettes)
Twelve Angry Mint Frappuccinos
Got your attention? Good! Because there’s more!
Some Like It Hot Chocolate
A Star is Bucks
From Here to Eterni-Tea
Mocha Clayton
No Country for Old Mint Frappuccinos
Juno what’s really good? Coffee!
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to change everything about Starbucks, because I think a lot of what you do is spot-on. I often spend whole afternoons there, nursing the cheapest drink you have, using your bathroom, and talking to the cute barista (the one with the braces) and not hitting on her or anything!
But what business can’t be improved by a little old-fashioned Hollywood magic?
You could do a series of recent Oscar winners, like:
Slumdog Caramellionaire
The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottle of Water
Milk
The possibilities are endless! Instead of Pineapple Express, why not Pineapple Espresso? The trouble with that one though is that then people might try to order a drink called Pineapple Espresso. Maybe you should just start making Pineapple Espressos and then it won’t be a problem.
Anyway, I’ve got five thousand ideas that are even better than the ones I told you. I know we haven’t discussed pay yet, but I was thinking like five hundred thousand dollars.
Anyway, let me know. I look forward to joining the Starbucks family. Hopefully, in THIS family, no one will tell me I have to clean my room all the time (just kidding) (no I’m not).
In conclusion,
Raphael Bob-Waksberg
P.S. Schindler’s coffee list! I just thought of that one right now! See? I’m full of ‘em!
(Update: Part 2 / Part 3)

Dear Starbucks,

I live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and I frequent your café there. The Starbucks in Greenpoint is a renovated movie theater, a former darling of the neighborhood. I think that independent, locally-owned businesses are so important and, blah blah blah, anyway, here’s my point: Starbucks, you are sitting on a goldmine.

You have a movie house marquee, but all it says on it is Starbucks. Hello? You should fill it with hilarious fake movie titles that are related to your many fine products! I know what you’re thinking: Who’s going to write all these movie titles? Yes. Who? Who indeed? Who will do it? Who will be the one to do it? Who indeed? Who, I wonder. Spoiler alert: this guy (me).

Here are some of my excellent ideas:

  • Beauty and the Bean
  • Last of the Mocha Cinnamons
  • Of Mice and Mint Frappuccinos
  • Vaniller’s Crossing
  • Latte’s Journey Into Night
  • All the President’s Mint Frappuccinos
  • Coffee and Cigarettes (minus the cigarettes)
  • Twelve Angry Mint Frappuccinos

Got your attention? Good! Because there’s more!

  • Some Like It Hot Chocolate
  • A Star is Bucks
  • From Here to Eterni-Tea
  • Mocha Clayton
  • No Country for Old Mint Frappuccinos
  • Juno what’s really good? Coffee!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to change everything about Starbucks, because I think a lot of what you do is spot-on. I often spend whole afternoons there, nursing the cheapest drink you have, using your bathroom, and talking to the cute barista (the one with the braces) and not hitting on her or anything!

But what business can’t be improved by a little old-fashioned Hollywood magic?

You could do a series of recent Oscar winners, like:

  • Slumdog Caramellionaire
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottle of Water
  • Milk

The possibilities are endless! Instead of Pineapple Express, why not Pineapple Espresso? The trouble with that one though is that then people might try to order a drink called Pineapple Espresso. Maybe you should just start making Pineapple Espressos and then it won’t be a problem.

Anyway, I’ve got five thousand ideas that are even better than the ones I told you. I know we haven’t discussed pay yet, but I was thinking like five hundred thousand dollars.

Anyway, let me know. I look forward to joining the Starbucks family. Hopefully, in THIS family, no one will tell me I have to clean my room all the time (just kidding) (no I’m not).

In conclusion,

Raphael Bob-Waksberg

P.S. Schindler’s coffee list! I just thought of that one right now! See? I’m full of ‘em!

(Update: Part 2 / Part 3)

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