This sketch was written by Adam, Dave, Jesse and me over the course of a couple days. For inspiration we watched songs from the Nightmare Before Christmas, “Poor Unfortunate Souls” from The Little Mermaid, and “Be Prepared” from The Lion King.

This was so much fun to write, we actually ended up with several more verses than we needed. Here are some of the extra stanzas that weren’t quite good enough to make the final cut:

They sure think I’m quite a dunce,
my son and daughter (stupid runts),
but I have saved for years (not months)
and now I’ll cash them all at once!

Look at all these I.O.U.s
Now it’s time to pay their dues
“Any household chore I choose?”
I choose them all!  I win!  You lose!

This one good for one free hug
I will make him hug a bug!
The bug will be atop a bear,
That will give him quite a scare!

And while he labors doing that
My daughter says she’ll feed the cat,
And the cat that I have found?
The most dangerous one around!

All this could have been prevented
If one gift they had presented.
And if they had really meant it,
I would have been so contented!

But all I got was disrespected!
Cast aside and then neglected.
Well, there’s a lesson to be had:
Never disrespect your dad!

See I’m not a dishonest guy,
But when they do not specify,
I’m forced to make s tricky choice,
And pick what would best fit their voice:

“I owe you one CD machine”
I wonder what “CD” could mean?
Cash dispensing? Car defending?
Cake detecting? Carl defriending?

Now here I have two guarantees:
“Will shut up” and “Will shoot breeze.”
If I request both things I’m owed
I might just see their heads explode!

Now you’ll build me pyramids!
That is why I reared you kids!
Since I’m such a super guy,
Erect a statue ten feet high!

All these coupons signed in pen,
I’ll never have to work again!
All these years I’ve planned and schemed
And now it is time to REDEEM!

-Raphael

This is the first episode of a new video series my friend Charlie Sanders and I (Raphael) put together called “Profiles of the Insecure.” We’ll post a new video every Monday, with alternating actors; this week’s video features Charlie; next week will be me.

The idea behind this series was: what if instead of worrying about being “viral” or “topical” or “digg-worthy” or “effects-heavy” or “adequate lighting” or “proper video compression” or “second draft” — what if we just made some videos that we thought were funny and threw them up for our friends to see?

You can subscribe to our channel on youtube (do people still do that?) and we’ll be posting our videos on Vimeo also, if that’s more your speed (watch this space).

Enjoy!

Hey everybody! Watch this amazing new series directed by OE’s own Adam Conover and featuring friends of Olde English Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza!

adamconover:

jerryandgeorge:

Check out all new episodes starting May 27th!

When Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza asked me to direct their new internet web series, I jumped at the chance. “These guys are television icons,” I thought. “This is going to make my career!”

It wasn’t until the second day of shooting that I realized the project was going dangerously off the rails. The scripts, which had started out pedestrian enough, had grown increasingly bizarre, drifting from confused theological debate to mad rantings about the duo’s imaginary enemies. As the shoot went on, Jerry became increasingly insecure, and started lashing out at the audience whenever one of his “jokes” failed to land. George, already a paranoid and odd man, seemed to devolve before my eyes — his posture became more beast-like, and his trademark patter slowly lost all meaning, until it became little more than a series of random, violent grunts.

By week’s end, a strange, grotesque sexual tension had grown between the two — one minute, they’d be idly caressing each other over the crotches of their acid-washed jeans; the next, they were a riot of flailing limbs, caught in an argument of such outrageous ferocity that a panicked crew member would call 911. Inevitably, ten minutes later, the storm had quieted, and the officer would arrive to find George curled up in Jerry’s arms, cooing softly and nuzzling under the armpit of the comedian’s denim shirt.

Despite everything, it was worth it. In my time with George and Jerry, I learned that without a hint of madness, true art cannot exist; that in the rantings of a lunatic, there is inevitably a hint of the divine. Which is to say, watch this web series: it’s really weird, and I directed it. New episodes every few days.

Mellowed out cover of O’Doul’s by The Wallings Jr. I’m a fan.

Original video:

onemoretimewithfeeling:

Late World with Zach Galifianakis - Zach does standup at a preschool

Zach G., before he was famous. (It’s certainly a testament to the man’s considerable talent and popularity that hosting his own late-night comedy show on Vh1 counts as “before he was famous.”)

What I really love about this clip is he doesn’t just do the easy bit of telling a bunch of adult jokes that fly over the kid audience’s heads— of course he does do that a little (how could you resist?) but the majority of this segment is a lesson in knowing your audience and playing to that crowd.

-Raphael